I read the amazingly awesome and enlightening article
by John Smith () and I thought I’d just dumb it down a little bit more
so that women could really understand what he’s saying. I’m really happy that I
can start attracting men now.
1. Stay in Shape
Your only value as a person and as an object of sexual
desire is how HAWT you look. So get sexy at the gym or be a sad-sack cat lady
until you diiiiiie.
2. Lay off Body Modification
Men like women who are NATURALLY PERFECT. And clearly all
men have the SAME EXACT PREFERENCES for body features that they appreciate
seeing on a WOMAN who is a HUMAN BEING that exists FOR THE EXPLICIT PURPOSES OF
PLEASING MEN. Because that’s the reason we ladies do
3. Make Your Own Money
So, men like us ladies to look perfect NATURALLY and have
the bodies of hollywood stars without the hollywood star budget or plastic
surgeons. Gauntlet thrown, fellas! I ROB BANKS AND KIDNAP BABIES FOR MONEY. ARE
WE THE PERFECT PAIRING? Oh wait, does it matter if I’m a good person with moral
values who is compassionate for others? No? GREAT. Excuse me, while I go
participate in a local village stoning of a lady who didn’t please her man. I’m
gonna throw some stones and pickpocket some of the spectators!
4. Be Feminine
“Men want WOMEN, not men with vaginas”. The original article
speaks for itself. All men are the same and all men want a doormat to shit on!
Yay!
5. Be Submissive
Don’t have your own life or freewill. That’s ridiculous! You
should exist for the pleasure of your man! That’s how you get a man! DUH! Enjoy
the daily beatings, ladies! He’s showing you his LOVE by beating you to a
bloody pulp! Awww, how romantic. I wish I could have no self-worth and demean
myself. Too bad I view myself as a human being with rights.
6. Sex Life
Men love a lady who has had a crapload of sex with ONLY ONE
MAN BEFORE. Duh. Don’t be the Virgin Mary. Just be a lady that men can fuck and
leave without feeling guilty or nervous that they will get an STD. How hard is
that one to get? Don’t worry. Men can’t give YOU an STD.
7. Be Intelligent
So long as your education does not prevent you from seeing
the stupidity in being feminine, submissive, and staying in perfect shape FOR
YOUR MAN because he’s told you that that’s the only way to attract him, go
ahead and get a piece of paper from some college. That’s cute.
8. Be Childfree
Children prevent you from being the perfect SEX-TOY for a
man! Why on Earth would you have them? If you had a child that was made by you
and a previous man, you may have thought you were fulfilling the conditions of
#5, sex life, but you were really just fucking everything up by making another
beautiful human life. Clearly, the man who helped make that child has no
responsibility for it. So, pony up and go be a single mom FOREVER.
9. Be Willing to Cook at Least Three Times a Week
Men are incapable of doing basic tasks for themselves. They
need a lady who can care for them like a nurse at a retirement home. All men.
Yup. They are all the same.
10. Put Down the Phone
Only women have cell phone addictions. GOD, what a turn off.
When a man is on his phone it is for business and sports only. Sports are
business. No men have Candy Crush addictions. I’ve never seen a man on his
phone in a public place. Nope, only women have this DISEASE.
11. Ease Up on the Makeup
Remember #2: Look perfect naturally!
12. Stop Cussing
What the hell would Great Aunt Bertha say? For fuck’s sake,
it’s so unattractive when women won’t stop fucking swearing. Seriously. Shut the
fuck up, ladies. No one wants to hear you say anything. It’s not like men are
listening for content. They just want to listen to a melodic soprano. You’re an
alto? Well, you’re fucked. Get the fuck out of here!
13. Stop Hoarding Guy Friends
We’ve previously established that you are only valuable as
an object for sex and that’s the only reason a man would EVER be a friend with
you, so don’t have guy friend, please. You’re sending the wrong message.
Remember: Virgin Mary, but not!
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